As my voices keep me awake once again and I’ve been sick, I thought I’d write to you all. It’s been almost 11 years since I’ve used hard drugs, pills, alcohol or marijuana. I suffer from long term brain damage from my drug use. I hear voices allllll day and alll night, except when my voices decide they want to sleep.. haaa
I try to keep positive most of the time. Sometimes I call them a cheerleading squad or sometimes a bunch of squatters I’ve evicted many times that are vandalizing my mind and I get frustrated.
Stay focused but hmmm.
I was thinking of asking my doctor to remove my penis gland from my forehead so the government wouldn’t track me and talk to me all the time. Just kidding, but I can see the doctor looking at me all funny in the eye and reminding me I might be referring to my pineal gland .Well I have to poke fun sometimes cuz it’s not easy some days
I will not take those damn pharmaceuticals they wanna shove down my throat that make me a zombie. I will say I am not your normal schizophrenic. I hear a squeaky voice and vibration inside my temples and between my eyes. But mainly I hear my voices outside my head very loud through cars, water running, fans, refrigerators, wind in the trees and anything that seems to have electrical vibration. And they respond to my thoughts like they are loud speakers outside my window and they block me from reading my own mind so they can read my mind and respond non stop. Yeah it’s so very distracting. Sucks. I feel like I’m speaking to real, alive people through my mind because they always respond a few seconds after I think or say something. Weird stuff, yessss but soooo real to me. And that’s my life after drugs.
I wear my headphones most days everywhere I go. If they aren’t in my ear they are close by. Ear plugs at night. I usually have a headphone plugged in my ear to drown out the cafeteria in my head so I can hear and communicate with real people with my other ear. This has been one my biggest struggles since I’ve been clean.
I remember hanging out with people who heard voices in my use. I thought they were crazy. Years later I was the one screaming down the street at people who aren’t real (I believe are real in my mind) with suitcases, punching myself, rocking back and forth like I’m autistic and I was in and out of mental hospitals. Since then I have figured out healthy ways of coping through this chaos. I’m so lucky to have such supportive, loving people in my life accepting and inspiring me as I battle with my mind that never shuts up. And, thank goodness for music and art.
The past 10 years I have pushed myself daily to get up, put my headphones on to sidetrack me and get out to help people so they don’t struggle like I have. Also, thanks to my peers helping me start a nonprofit profit, Mudblosm Connections.
Mental illness is hidden a lot in society. If I don’t tell people, most people don’t know how frustrating it is to live like this. Sometimes I feel embarrassed and sometimes I talk freely so people are aware. Just seeing people’s happy pics on damn social media doesn’t make their life great. Sometimes it’s just barely manageable. I hope you all can take a moment to watch Anderson Cooper’s short video and get a better understanding of what it’s like to concentrate in daily life hearing voices.
When you see someone screaming down the street pushing shopping carts, pulling suitcases with their face picked apart, remember that I was once that person. People do change, I’m proof. Please be part of the solution. We are all on the same team. Gifts of kindness and love go a long way.
Thanks for your time.
Much Love
Jess
Please join us for a community fundraiser and art show featuring Founder Jessica Johnson’s paintings on February 17, 2023 from 4pm-12am at Fried Melon Art Studios at